The Beauty of Photography

            From modeling I've gained a new appreciation for photography. The photographers I've met over the past couple months have been so passionate about their work, that it inspired me to see the beauty and art in photography as well. I've learned a few things about photography so far. Without even noticing .. our emotions or moods can show up in a photograph. The times where we captured the best shots i remember feeling comfortable and calm. Your best work comes when you aren't forcing things, but let your creativity flow naturally. When you become really good at your craft, what you feel does not interfere with the work, you project what you want to project.

There is so much that goes into a photo shoot. My favorite aspect is you are working together with a team. There is a makeup-artist, hairstylist, photographer , model, ... you take everyone's talents and ideas and put it together to make art. I love how vision of a photo shoot concept is turned into reality, and sometimes the end product is exactly how you imagined it to be, and other times really different than what you imagined, but great too. THAT is why modeling is fun to me and the reason I continue on with it as a hobby.  The minute it becomes no longer fun, is the minute you lose the chance to create something great.

I believe that photography can be a powerful tool. This season i want to use photography as a form of storytelling. Get ready for the next photo shoot concept.... ;) let's give meaning to this art

Jesus would have been one of the best photographers that ever existed. He was always looking at the beauty of people souls. In fact Jesus was constantly making pictures of God in people's life by looking at their souls and exposing them to his light. -Francis Bacon

Communication

Communication is not always easy. When one is trying to speak the other may not be receiving. Like cords that have been tied we say things we don't mean, we react, or worse of all don't say how we feel at all. Sometimes it takes our actions more than our words to communicate. Show you care, and others may be more likely to open up.

Chase Your Dreams But Always Know The Road That'll Lead You Home Again

So coming home to the east coast for the first time in a year reminds me of a few important things that I realize that I should never forget and essential to live a happy and honest life. It is so important for us to stay in touch with our roots.  


Remember to ALWAYS forgive, no matter what. You don't forgive people with a partially clenched fist, but  release all need to control what that person does, leave your defenses down. Even If the person does the same thing. If it happens again, forgive again and again, and again . Forgiveness does not mean you are weak, but  saying yes to understanding the imperfectness of the human condition. ( Note: Do not apply this concept to ex-lovers you hope to get back with. On the battlefield of romance forgive with boundaries here)

Give more than you take. We can enjoy rich relationships when we focus more on giving. I'm not talking about materially, but things like care and time. Don't be afraid to give, it doesn't matter whether or not we get something back, that's not the point. There is something about giving that makes us alive. When we become so focus on ourselves  there is always a part of us that feels deaden. However, in order to be good giver we also have to remember to take care of ourselves. It is a balance between taking care of ourselves and then extending ourselves to others . When we take care of our basic needs, we can lean into others needs. 


Last  and certainly not least stick to your beliefs and values no matter what the world says.
It is crazy how over the last year God has really given me a voice. I know what to say, and i know the right choices to make in order to keep myself from falling off track. I am proud to be a believer, and i no longer hide it but wear it on my sleeve. I ask God often these days about the things that i need to change so that i can be true to the Woman he has called me to be.  

The Message This Holiday Season

The Message this Holiday Season I have found to be this.....

The Grinches and Scrooges of the world need our love more than our need to not get hurt or rejected by them. Love beyond the capacity you have, and forgive because you don't have a right to judge the wrongs of others, let God handle that. You  don't bring  justice to the table by holding a grudge or being cold back. Our pride or self-righteousness can only more perpetuate the brokeness of eachother. Stunned by our ability to hold a similar cruelty, we stand in our own hypocrisy. When we shunn these kinds of people we find within ourselves a discontentment, because we are always called to love, not hate. Remember that for the Scrooges and Grinches we know in our lives, something at some point happened to make them that way, people were not just born that way.  Sometimes the trials and tribulations of life make people grow bitter. But we are all the same, we are all humans who think and feel . Believe that the simple things like showing kindness can make  even the hardest of hearts soft again.


Hope you find the true meaning of Christmas. Love one another as God loves you. 


* Drea   Kelly*

Potential

* "What we see as our own potential and what others see as our potential, is far less  then what God sees that we can be. When we deeply rely on God, the source of our identities, he can empower us to be our highest self. Don't let anyone else tell you who you are. If it's anything less than wonderful and capable, its not of God."*  
- Drea Kelly

You left me with 

These things in my hand 

I don't deserve . 

So i ran to the only place that would take me

All alone , in uncertainty

Hopped on the plane

Not knowing how to fly 

Land of dreaming and the cure to broken things

Lost my innocence trying to forget the past. 
Build my trust on things that don't last.

But slowly in this place i see all my hopes and dreams   

All the parts locked up. Start to come alive . 

I moved to California, with nothing left to lose

On the Outside of Love

Right now i'm listening to a song called  the rose by Karen Marie Garret.  

This song reminds me of Christmas. This year i'm really excited for the Christmas season. It is a season which always reminds me of love and how one upon a time love was a beautiful thing to me, a safe place, a good thing. But the storms of life over the past few years of my life seem to cloud that feeling. It seems like something far away.  Sometimes i feel like i'm standing on the outside of a snow globe, wanting to be on the inside, because its so beautiful , content, peaceful, carefree.

 

Love is always an answer to prayers, because there is so little of it in the world. It is a God given thing. Love is about giving more than taking. Not controlling. Understanding and not criticizing. . God promises good things despite the hardships we face. I wonder what good God has planned.

Window of Pain

     Window of Pain

          When a person's life is filled with so much pain, it inhibits their ability to relate and validate the pain of others . We draw upon a metaphor of  the  opaque window . The darkness in the window represents unresolved pain that clouds our view of others and the outside world.  It  becomes a layer of ignorance which clouds our eyes. We live in a world of insensitivity, and i never understood it.  We open ourselves up to the wrong people, someone who has not dealt with their own pain in life will not be empathetic, empathy requires connecting with our own pain. There are also those who won't empathize with anyone else unless it's a recognizable tragedy ( such as death) or equal to their own life tragedy. You can't compare scars, that not what they're there for. They are simply a mark of  human frailty and it looks different for every person.  Unfortunately, because of the window of pain people carry around, when someone tries to open up, when someone tries to heal, it becomes something which is labeled as weak. Like touching a hot stove when we reach for help from others, we get burnt. The people who carry the window of pain, can come in the form of our very own counselor, religious leader, the family member , the friend, the co-worker, people we trust and choose to be real  with. We give up and label ourselves as weak.  "These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men. - Isaiah 29:13.  I always thought the problem was just in me, but now i realize it is really in humanity.  The "window of pain" people adopt because of fear or too much pride to go to the weak place where pain exists.  


No one heals without compassion. People become hardened without it. We perpetuate each others brokenness by shutting off inside. Emotions and thoughts reflect something within the heart and soul that have a need unmet. But the more we are told that what we go through doesn't matter, the worse it becomes.  Moving forward, change, and growth does not occur from our trials and experiences until we can reconcile them.  If we try to stuff things down by neglect our thoughts and feelings, however ugly they may be, we can't let them guide us toward understanding. To move on from experiences which cause us burden which were difficult we derive meaning , lessons, and insight into our own nature. Someone gave me this metaphor. Jesus spoke in parables and metaphors so that people would understand the message he was trying to send people. In the bible it says but these people do not know me .. their hearts are hardened, they are far away. God exists within the heart hardened their hearts--so that their eyes cannot see, and their hearts cannot understand, and they cannot turn to me and have me heal them. - John 14:20. In the process leaving those in search of healing and human connection hardened. Even those who know God turn away. But God is not people, he is above the ways of people.


  God is the surgeon, have no fear you are in safe hands. God says it is okay to grieve, to struggle. In the land of pain. a lack of reliance and surrender make it difficult to stay.Without him traveling to this place of pain  looks desolate, cloudy and hopeless. Why would anyone want to go there? It's  doesn't look appealing to me either.  Stay a little longer in this broken and empty land and you will, not only will you hear Gods voice , but  not only the voice of God but the voice of people who are close to God.

" Strippin’ away the layers and reveal your soul
Got to give yourself up and then you become whole
You're a slave to yourself and you don't even know
You want to live the fast life but your brain moves slow
If you're trying to stay high, bound to stay low
You want God but you can't deflate your ego"  - Matisyahu

The cost of unresolved pain takes shape in our culture.  The posterior of humanity is so messed up.  So far from our true nature. things like love, empathy forgiveness, communication have become an ability that not everyone has, rather than something we just DO.  We, a tangled humanity that is off balanced and knotted up need grace to get there, to find our way back to the way we really need to be living. A When Jesus walked the earth  he simply had this ability, because he did not hide, he was not insecure.  We are addicted and constantly in need of things to consume or  distract us. When we seek God out he reveals himself in a big way.


To the people. who hide behind there logic. You can do very little in life. You can't reach a broken world. A world of people in need however big or small their pain. So stop hiding behind your own window of pain and think that you shouldn't be compassionate toward others because the pain you've felt in your own life . The reason you cannot see anyone else's pain is because you are so filled with your own. Deal with your crap and let it surface.  Throw your pride out the window and the walls that separate, judge, or deny the  human condition .

Often times our understanding of ourselves is so limited. We have a hunch  about an experience of relationship in our life that has caused us burden but we can't let it go, or we can't get out of patterns of bad habits. We carry around weight. God sees the reasons we can't let it go, and to heal us they way no other person can . It requires us one thing, complete surrender to God

Jesus was a man of truth, who saw the hypocrisy within people . It is not the stoic, proud, strong-minded, leader,counselor, advice giver, authority figure ... whoever, that heals, but the sensitive wounded healer.  In the way that Jesus came to earth and experienced the pain of humanity, he did this so he could council us after his death, because he had empathy for the human condition by coming to earth. Through the holy spirit God heals and counsels as a wounded healer. God has a person hood, part of the most beautiful side of God is his intense desire to heal us.. When we sit as his feet and humble ourselves and say .. i can't and i need you.... that is when God begins to do work. We experience through God who understood human emotion and the human condition, came to the earth because he recognized our need. Even in writing this entry i have convinced my own self that this is the right way to approach life, with compassion and awareness of the inner life as mode of healing and moving forward, the world makes us second guess ourselves.

Against the world that shuts you out i hope you find God in a deep way. Every person has been through something. May God fill your unresolved wounds, empty your hands, and fill your heart once again.

Be authentic

"Be an authentic woman, be real. If you are not an authentic woman, your daughter won't be either. She will live a lie and wear a mask too. "   - From one wise woman to another.

Angry Conversations with God

Normal is Beautiful

  Recently,  i was my own guniea pig for a class project in my nutrition class. For two weeks I was on the atkins, and although i stuck to it , the diet honestly made me crazy.  Pre- diet, I really felt fine about my relationship with food, weight and everything.  Biochemically our body sends out stress hormones in times of hunger or starvation. Stress makes us mental, it makes us want to control everything around us! All of a sudden once on a diet i had obsessive thoughts about food and  felt failure when i didn't comply 100% with the diet rules. It brought on a strange fear of consuming and a desire to lose more and more weight, even though i was already was losing. What started out to be a harmless experiment for school triggered a slew of bad past habits and mindsets.  I can see how dieting triggers eating disorders. Without dieting my body image is actually more positive. Off the diet now, and back to a good relationship with food and body image. :)


Normal is beautiful. Today while i spent some time by myself getting things together for my next photoshoot I started to think about body-image. In the fashion world they put these bony skinny women on a pedistal. But what about the woman with curves? Why not put normal on a pedistal. If other women  see more real-life sized women in magazines, then they wouldn't feel so horrible about their normal size.  I appreciate the photographers out there who work with models who are not rail thin. No one can tell me I can't model, that i'm not thin enough. It's honestly disgusting if someone did tell me that, it's a warped and shallow mindset. I'd have to shave off half a hip to be as tiny as them runway models. This is the way i was created. I deserve to be at peace with that.  I don't need to torture myself to be beautiful. Many women are self-abusive , trying to meet these societal standards of thin. While inquiring a dietitian , people want to know, how much to eat, what to eat.  The answer is this .. just love yourself and your body , eat when your hungry, stop when your full. Feed yourself things that will give health... mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. Balancing and nourishing all these levels ..that's whats called normal, that's what's called beautiful.

Destiny vs. Fear

What is this aggressive force that keeps us from becoming who we are destined to be? Fear intertwined with a  basic human need  gone corrupted. A  basic need is acceptance, but we place our need for acceptance in people who will never let who we really are be enough.  Like square pegs trying to fit in round holes we try to live up to standards and roles that are so far from our true inner nature.  We live our lives for people who value little being true to yourself. It's not their fault .. no one ever accepted them for who they really are. They don't know how to give full acceptance to others. We are told this isn't a good idea, " you're not smart enough" , that's a silly dream.  We are comfortable, yet unhappy when we live for others. BUT think about it. This is YOUR life and at the end of the days others words are just voices. Separate yourself from them and live in the freedom of who you are. The real you is important to God, he created you to be unique not to fit a cookie cutter idea of who we should be.  Through trully being ourselves and expressing our talents and gifts we live a life of passion and joy and in the process better the world. Any time someone tries to stand up for something they really believe in or chase a dream it is persecuted, but push past that persecution and you will find destiny. Destiny ... greater than our need to be accepted  is to live out our purpose.  Hope this inspires you to overcome :).

Am i still the same?

There are times in our life where we try so hard to deal with life on our own terms that we cause more damage than anything else.  Why? We stop trusting God a blame him for the hard times in life .  We believe in a lie. One day we wake up and realize the things we have done. You  wonder if that girl that you once were is lost forever .. did the real you die in the process of coping with life? Sometimes we aren't very kind to ourselves, we harm the real us by pretending and muffling out our true inner voice.  After all this i have to ask the question am i still the same somewhere underneath? How does God see me? God's love is greater than the love we can offer ourselves. I wrote this poem.


Am i still the same?

My season of reflection
I was in need of correction
When i woke , i woke in pieces
To the debris i had made

Lead me through a time of change
I want to know that i can still lead a legacy
Say there's still honor after all the shame
Breathe your life back into me
Cause i've killed myself pushing you away 
Cause i've been hearing but not listening
Holding on to nothing in the rain
Tell me you still see me
All the good things are still there
Before i fell


Out of breath now
Help me  to stand tall again.
I knew so much
I fell so hard
I need to open to heal
Well this is alot to feel
But everybody regrets

Your love
Greater than a heart that condems
I've turned against myself
Make me a friend again
Speaking up for the voice within
So young, innocent, lost my  voice long ago

Make me a friend again
Show me a love unchanged
Through all the cracks and pieces
Make me a friend again to myself
The real enemy is not my name

I wanted to speak but the world gave me pain
I forgot again , forgot again
help me to remember the voice, 
Please tell me am i still the same? 
I need a love unchanged.

Religion Law?

  In Romans 6:6 " For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with that we should no longer be slaves  to sin-- because anyone who as died is free from sin.

Aren't I lovely ?

It is said that in different cultures a little girls would dress up in front of their fathers in a long flowing dress , the prettiest dress she could find, and she would spin. As she was spinning she turns to her father and says .. daddy aren't i lovely? Am i lovely daddy?

 That is the question that modern women ask themselves and are born with that longing, to feel lovely. Whatever the voice is that answers back she carries with her. From very early in life the message she is sent she keeps. Somewhere in between life, and all the things that can go wrong, she stops spinning. She doesn't think she is lovely anymore, maybe she has forgotten, or maybe she never knew. Is there a way to get her to understand, that even if she fell down, even if she tore her dress, that she is lovely no matter what, in the eyes of her father? The world takes every opportunity it can to rip that truth away from her. It preys of that innocence.

Little boys grow up asking, " Am i good enough?" Am i  enough? Do I have what it takes to be a man? It is a struggle for confidence. 

It is in asking these questions that we sometimes leave the door open for a lie. Will someone please answer these questions with the right answer? So that we don't have to ask anymore. We are lost in places we don't belong trying to find the answer.

Rise like a Rose from the Graveyard

We are thinking and feeling beings, cultures suffocates that truth and tells us an ugly lie. Do not run from who you are. Do not kill the conscience, the intuition, the honesty, and sensitivity that is reflective of humanness. These things reveal to us who we are and our purpose, and once we lose that .. we lose the meaning of being alive.

Waking up to Worth

There is something to be said about the journey to self-worth. Every woman must travel there is she wants to become whole. Unfortunately there are many things that can get in the way. Through the years of singleness she searches, hiding behind the makeup, the clothes, and the guys that she can attract. Or maybe it's the relationship that she is in. She dissolves into it because she is defined by it. Too scared to become separate, because if she left how would she define herself? She can only find her worth in that relationship. Without these distractions that she fills her life with she would be hollow.  Away from the the noise of her busy life, or the party life, whatever it is that that fills the silence, she is anxious. She is afraid to be alone in the quite  because if she is, she can hear the sound of her restless heart. At the end of the day there is still a void that none of these things can fill. It isn't until she hits rock bottom, it isn't until she collapses in exhaustion, that she will find herself at the foot of the cross. Then she looks up, in adoration because she finally understands what love is.  It was never in any of the worldly things she sought them in. I pray that women would wake up to their worth, that God would show them what they're really looking for is true love. That is something that only be learned first through God, then experience through others. Only then through a real love can a woman become whole and know her true worth.  

" No man on earth can convince a woman of her dignity, she must know it for herself first." - Jason Everett

He likes me, He likes me still

 

He likes me, He likes me not. He likes me, He likes me still.  

When I went to a bible study during the blackout there were people who prayed over me. There were two vision they had from God. One was a pink rose and me picking the petals off saying .. he likes me, he likes me not, he likes me, he likes me not. One of the prayer leaders said that sometimes i don't think God even likes me, that sometimes  I believe that God likes me only when i do Good. He told me that God likes me all the time, so  the truth really is ... God likes me, and he likes  me still. The second vision was a diamond, and a lightening bolt coming down and striking it, he said no matter which way you strike a diamond, no matter which way you look at it, it is still beautiful. It's so amazing how God sheds like on our uncertainties where we most need him to. God wants his women to know that they are beautiful and loved, but many of us struggle with this! I am so thankful that God addressed that issue, because i've wrestled with it.  Now i sure do feel loved, there is no guessing about God's love, it is certain, strong, and constant no matter what we do. A little girl picks flowers guessing and wondering  if a boy loves her or not, but a women who has a deep relationship with God does not focus on the world or wonder in anxiety because God's love is enough, and it never keeps her guessing.

The Gift of Speech

Last night the power was out in all of SD county. I was planning to go to  a church event which was almost an hour away with a friend. I felt defeated in my efforts, we canceled the trip because the outage created so much traffic. It ended up still being a great night. I went to a bible study with my friend, there was music and everyone was sharing stories. There was a guy in a wheelchair who had a speech problem. When he would speak it looked like he had to exert so much energy to muster even a sentence.His message was so sweet, simple, and honest. He was talking about how in conversations it's on us to communicate or not communicate, it's a choice that can act like a chain. He said he gets scared sometimes to bring up issues, because the conversation could not go in favor if he does. Those relationships that he cherishs he hesitates more to communicate. Although the man in the wheelchair had a serious speech problem, he still sees the importance of it, he still struggles to speak up too and realizes how fear is paralyzing. The choice to communicate should not be taken for granted, we should use it, because some people in the world do not even have the gift of speech.

From the Bottom up

Why do insensitive people come into my life like leeches and try to suck the life out of me? When you already struggling to accomplish something difficult, they come to kick you down when you are at your weakest. And sometimes the people who bring us down the most are the ones who are the closest to us.  

I'm not giving up, no matter how hard ppl try to push me.

Being assertive to the negative- Sarcasm or Sincerety?

This is  a follow up on my entry to healing the Wounds of Silence, i have new insights.  I wrote about my experience in the restaurant industry and how people can be so negative a rude. What i have found is there is a better approach than what i have been practicing. That how i choose to be can only perpetuate the environment i am in. When we don't communicate effectively, it puts barriers between people. Lets compare the two approaches

A sincere approach entails assertiveness. Assertiveness is about speaking up for yourself with respect both for yourself and the person with whom you are speaking. How to be properly assertive takes practice and is an art.  Every moment or opportunity to practice being assertive adds more confidence to your willingness to employ assertiveness the next you need it. The truth is even managers, parents and authority figures need to be told in an assertive fashion when they are out of line , no one no matter what position they are in should treat anyone else less than human. Verbal abuse can even legally be reported as a form of harassment today, if it hinders a worker's job performance. You can't continue to do nothing. You must be persistent until you get results. People won't change if you never call things to their attention, confrontation is necessary in life. You can't keep running or hope that things will go away on their own. You have the power of your voice. A good example of assertive communication would be empathizing, non-condemning, and direct addressment of an issue.

An easy indirect way to cut people off and down is sarcasm. I randomly found  Linda Tillman's blog, a clinical pyschologist who writes about communication assertiveness, and sarcasm ... here is what she said about sarcasm:  

"In many families, sarcasm is a style of humor tolerated by the family members to the point that it feels harmless and “normal.”  If this were true in your family of origin, you may resort to sarcasm, thinking that it is just a way to be funny.I tell my students that sarcasm is disrespectful and always involves a zinger against the other person.  They argue with me that sarcasm is harmless; that it’s expected in their family of origin; and that I must be mistaken.  I challenge them to give me any example of sarcasm that isn’t hurtful. 

They never can.  

Sarcasm can push others away and is a way of controlling others . It controls the amount of connection you allow when you distance through sarcasm. If sarcasm is about poking another person using humor as the jab, bullying takes this to another level, shaming and putting another person down in the worst way one can.  Bullying involves controlling another person through the use of put-downs."

Falling underneath the same category  is aggressive communication.  When we lash out, raise our voice, or  indirectly adress issues. We only set up more boundaries between others, our situation is never helped.

So forgive. Everyone is human. No one really wants a hostile environment, people just want to be respected. Take some time out to muster up the energy and courage it takes to be humble.  Just because it is popular to be sarcastic or aggressively assert ourselves does not make it good or healthy. It takes time to get it right and assert ourselves properly. BUT It's always better to say something is better than saying nothing. Fortunately for me i am not a naturally sarcastic or extremely witty person so it really forces me to take a second look at my approach towards a person's negativity.

The more you assert yourself, the more confidence you have. :) Remember that when people are insensitive or rude, part of it is learned, and they are most likely doing it unconsciously. You can stand up and still be respectful to others and yourself at the same time.

The Pursuit of God- The Gift of Having Nothing

Today i was in church and the priest brought up  amazing points about pursuing God and who God is. I can't remember which part in the bible it was it's a story about a woman who comes to God for help. Even the disciplines themselves did not want to help the woman, they treated her like an outsider and didn't consider her a child of God. God had more compassion than even people in the story. I think this is an important concept to get especially when we feel far away from God or that he doesn't love us. What separates us from understanding the immense degree of love that God has for us. Sure sin can be one answer, but the greater answer goes beyond that. It is living in the presence of God, knowing God, and having an intimiate enough relationship with God that we can experience a joy, love, and peace that are honestly the most satisfying feelings in our human exsistence . We live in two worlds .. the seen and the unseen. God does not dwell in things but in the heart and the soul, things of the unseen world. I am reading this book called the Pursuit of God by A.W Towzer. He makes clearer the lens in which we look at life. How to build a satisfying life and the veil which we all possess that prevents us from having it. I am not just on a philosophical hype about happiness. This is the truth i have known, experienced, and forgotten. We forget and lose focus on God because we get attached to these things, sometimes angry at God when we don't get what we want..

The cross is symbolic of the pain that people go through in life.  Only God can understand how deep the pain of being human runs, everytime ... all the time, you don't know what people are going through, God does.  So many times in life i have asked how can a God that loves us let us go through so much pain? Today at church the priest listed several reasons why we may feel like God rejects us . Like a wise Thai Chi master who rejects his student at first .. God rejects us ( not literally). He wants to see if we are serious about what we are doing. If faith was easy then everyone would have a strrong faith in God. So it begins a journey of perseverance.  letting the master you are dedicated and commited. Serveral things may get in the way, our attention is consumer by material things, relationships, and trials we are going through. We are going through a trial and angered because we don't understand, that is because we don't know God, nor does God reveal himself if we aren't pursuing. Certain material things or a relationship, these are all gifts that can be alll good, but go arye when we completley forget about our spiritual life. We must learn to give up our control and focus, sometimes the gift of having nothing makes it easier to know God better.  Once accepted Then the student and the master can train together more closely. He used the concept of perseverance thats how me must be in our pursuit toward God.

" At the cross you becken me , draw me gently to my knees. I am so lost for words. Lost in love. Sweetly broken,  holy surrender." -

" Love is a shelter in a raging storm. If we try to leave may God send angels to guard the door, love is not a fight, but it's something worth fighting for."

I feel as though God has been waiting on me all summer to make a move .. to pursue him more.  God must have something to say to me, because its evident he's been trying to catch my attention. How receptive are you, when God tells you to come closer? The divine whispers,  you must come closer to understand what it wants to tell you about your life.

Balboa Island ... My Sanity Trip

The Empty Coffee Cup

The coffee cup is empty after a good long conversation with a friend. It’s time for Sarah to go home to Temecula. I don’t like  goodbyes. We went to the living room today for her last day in SD. I can laugh so hard with this girl and yet have deep meaningful conversation aswell. She radiates a joy that is infectious to those around her and is sensitive the humanness within others. Good friends are hard to come by and I know that I have found a true friend in her. Someone once told me something so true about people… “ You judge people based on the hard times, not the good.” Who will be there when it really counts and the going gets rough. When you are really struggling your real friends with be there to encourage you, not criticize you when you are feeling down. You can cry together, not alone because they know how what your going through feels. Thank you Sarah for being there through the stress, the highs and lows, you really helped me see the good through the valleys of life. Without friends I think I would not have made it this far. I hope we can be life long friends! I believe that friends really are Gods gift, I keep them close to my heart and I treasure them so much. Maybe its because there have been seasons in my life where i haven't had a good friend to be there. Those were the hardest of times of all. Every place that I have traveled on my journey friends have become like family. There are many people who will come into our lives and hurt us, we change, wrestle with lies, and  forget who we are sometimes in attempt to get the pieces back. But a real friend will remind us of who we are when we lose sight of it. :)

Healing the Wound of Silence

It's been really hard for me to write this blog entry because it took some digging and i had to take down the stone wall i've had up lately. I knew behind it wasn't going to be pretty. How do we stay healthy in all areas of our being? It's hard to keep your feet planted in the middle and balance all levels.  Body Mind and Soul and three are connected .Growing up and for years well into college i struggled to be able to stand up for myself. I couldn't understand my worth nor how to guard it. Only until recent years am i just waking up to my worth, and only now how to protect it. I am grateful for the restaurant industry, it has given me a thicker skin ...  a little more attitude and more outspokeness. While at the same time has not been good for my mental health. I see the games people play with eachother,that acting a certain way intimidates people into respecting them. I try my hardest to not say anything negative about other people. I don't want to do what people have done to me.  I work 5 days a week, and I don't want to allow for an environment where co-workers walk all over me. So when i feel disrespected i stand up for myself. I don't do it in a way that intends to communicate but it creates a boundary, i am so fed up with people and have little patience for their rudeness all i want is my respect. After so many years of silence and not standing up to people it seems to all be coming out at once. I know i need to stop before i become someone who i am not.  I'm workin on being more communicative, but at the same time it would require a shift in my view on people, which won't turn to positive for as long as i am in the industry.

‘You will only be worth anything when you have the courage to tear away the coating of silver covering your eyes in order to be able to see again and love your fellow man.

Trying to forgive humanity after realizing the ugly truth about it. Sometimes i wish i was still sheltered, it was so much easier to be optimistic. There are so many bad people in the world, and at first i didn't want believe it, but now that people have taken pieces from me it's all I believe. When and what will it end with? . Battle to stay myself, to remain. The wound is raw and surfaced. Morning the loss of innocence in my mind, body , and soul that has been stolen by the world. Love and compassion use to be a natural strength for me... but take these things so i don't feel. :(

So Sorry About It all

If I bent like you said was best,
Would that change a thing?
If I spent myself... or what's left
Would you still leave me here?

You're so sorry about it all
Now that it's over..
Should I thank you for that dear?
You're so sorry about it all...
And I hope you'll always be.

I remember you best
Hating all the boys who got to you
And all the things they took
That you'd kept for yourself 

Every car crash, every misstep, every word

You're so sorry about it all
Now that it's over..
Should I thank you for that dear?
You're so sorry about it all...
And I hope you'll always be
Always be.

I remember you best
Hating all the boys who got to you
And all the things they took from you again...
It's all wrong...all wrong

The Good life

 

Gloss Boutique shopping spree!

Zen 5 Sushi

You don't have to be a millionaire to have it all. Today my friend Sarah and I went adventuring around PB and ate good food and spent time enjoying the simple pleasures of life. At the same time, there are some people in life who will never be happy with their lives because they are too busy trying to become rich or  gain power and prestige that they never take time to appreciate the simple beauty in life.  Giving encouragement to others, showing kindness and empathy, drawing meaningful human connections with others are more important than the things we own or how much we can control our lives.... in fact i believe when we are living out our true purposes it has the ability to push us through the hardest of times. Its ok to allow yourself a shopping spree or a good meal every now and then. Experience the pleasures of life  ... we are sensing beings we need to touch, taste and see things! Don't work too hard or live too fast. Just keep your feet on the ground, balance, find your passions .. . then happiness is on your path.

My Journey with God

 

My relationship with God on my journey has been a blend of faith, fear, longing, and love. There is a fine line between fear of God and feeling unworthy or unloved. Alot of christians push unworthiness . But its questioning God's goodness and love, it's something different than humbleness. That mindset puts a block between me and God personally i feel disconnected and lose understanding for his unconditional love. Everyone needs to know they are still loved despite their mistakes. Drawn out guilt and doubt don't come from God. God harps on us to forgive one another  because he always forgives.

Willingness to change and be changed.  Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

Avoiding pitfalls

Avoid getting hurt, avoid getting broke financially. Two places i don't like to be. The warning signs and precautions are there. We choose not to apply common sense, we ignore the red flags which could've bailed us out of getting into a misfortunate situation. Right now i realize how important it is to stop myself from getting into these deadends so i can be more productive toward getting what i want out of life. When you pour into all the wrong kinds of people it drains you . I feel like i don't have any trust or love to give the world. Feeling hardened, feeling not myself :/. Half of  the story is based on my own decisions .. the other is God's plan. How can i reconnect with the one thing i need, God, when i blame him for all the pain and disappointment.  My perception of what love means seems to blur. Struggling with my faith lately :/ .

Its weird how the things that are designed to make us stronger end up making us even more unsure of ourselves. The trials which give us endurance and self-esteem make us feel even more doubtful that life will work itself  out. Sometimes it's way easier to convince the head over the  heart to believe again. The mind can be clear at the same time the heart is sick. The heart isn't always easy to get through to, it can be penetrated by a lie over the open hand of love, it operates completely on its own terms, when it closes up no telling when it will open again. Love hurts and when its over, you wonder if it was ever worth the effort? Sometimes our hearts leave us astray. Does the pro of gaining a lesson really outweigh the pain? Pessimism is so much safer than optimism. You can only get knocked down so many times before you decide not to bother again.

There a really big world out there, You've got the chance change it.

This is the basis for my next shoot. To use the power of photography to give a voice to the silent, and speak into the lies that women believe about themselves. Yay for women with real figures! Whitney represents!

Trust in Sacrifice

I am trusting God in my sacrifices. Before i was tooo bitter with God to hold on to him through times of uncertainty. There is  a part of my faith that still feels broken , because following God has resulted in more suffering than less. But i know he must fulfill all his promises .. it may take time, but i don't belong on any other path than Gods. I know that now. I'm gonna hang in there for what i'm waiting for, my continued leaps of Faith, my sacrifice won't be in vain anymore.

Faith or Defeat

Hi ..  my name is Andrea and i'm a recovering catholic. Religiosity you get a thumbs down in my book lately, some religious members of figure heads can really bring ppl down and turn ppl against God, they are not representative of who God really is. Boo on them ... i'm sorry if you've ever been a victim, but you don't have to be anymore. If there is one thing i know about God it is this ...

Dios está cerca de los quebrantados de corazón. Su amor les trae la paz.  

We know the goodness and realness of God not through just a relgious institution, but through things that are unseen like love, healing, and gifts which come through prayer.

Just practicing my spanish and laughing in the face of life's absurity . If you wanna be perfect in life you have to allow some chaos and madness into your life! It's part of being human , in case you forgot what that means. Once something drains you ... its a sign its already defeating you, so either get rid of it all together or work around it.

Make Something Beautiful Out Of Something Ugly

I cannot take credit for the title of this post. It was inspired by a stranger i met today. While trying to escape my stress, mainly my financial woes and crumbling relationships .. i sat in a park by Crowne Point while smoking a cigar and journaling on my computer. So im sitting at crowne point shadily as far away as I can from families because I feel kinda weird smoking a cigar. Don’t wanna set a bad example for kiddos. I’m either really stressed to the um tee-nth degree when im smoking a cigar or really relaxed.  So here are my own rationalizations as i sat alone journaling before this " stranger" sat with me and we talked . 

I am stressed because of things with classes aren't transfer over for a full semester credit of Spanish so now i have to take two summer courses . This all rocks the boat wiith stuff  i'm not gonna get into, technically i didn't do my hw on the transfer of classes .. but are you kidding its a foreign lang at a university and it doesn't count at my school? I know this doesn't seem like a big deal, but there is a whole other thing that i'm not getting into which is domino effect of this, which is something that really impacts me. Also found out that my ticket is going to make my insurance go up. ..... Going to have to switch insurance and start paying for it . Long story short ... im screwed financially once again. But out of the depths of my financial problems i managed to find some light. Lately ive been trying to rearrange my mindset about alot of things and keep positive about my goals ... if you stay positive then positive things will happen.

So i brainstormed on how despite these discomforts how i can devote my time to a second job that i actually like and my passions . One is that working at a boutique would be good so i could get discounts on clothes so i can be better prepared for photoshoots. I want to get deeper into modeling and photography .. and i need the outfits to back it up. I'm running out of wardrobe options for my shoots. Lastly, but not least i need to do some volunteer work and start making some deeper connections in my life than i have been. Don’t give up on your dreams when there is so much negativity surrounding you.  I have learned that people who tell you that you cant do something or who are always belittling and criticizing you will always bee wrong in the end, they will see someday .. if you are strong enough to overcome your fears of what others think or of failing, you will prove them wrong one day.  It just fear.. it fades away .. all it is an "illusion" - Richard Bach . You may walk through the valley of that shadow of death in this life, but God is with you through it, even when he seems silent.Trust him. I know its hard, but what else do we have left to hang on to if we don’t hang on to him?. I have so much to be thankful for God gave me God has given me gifts, a purpose, and many blessings ; i need to remind myself of this.  So here i am, myconclusions always end with God when i sit and think alone.. but my next conclusion ended with human connection. To some degree ive always known this  and try to live my life this way. But now and then i just need a reminder.

Today i was approached by this guy while i was journaling and he asked me what i was doing. I told him i was just relieving stress.  We sat and talked for a while. This stranger helped me see my situation in a different light and reminded me of what is important in life. He started out by saying life is about living for those connections we make with one another.

The world has been searching for that meaning since the beginning of time .  - Jimmy. His name is Jimmy and he has done and seen it all. He told me about his rough background and then i started to see how we all come from something a little messed up, but in the end we are all searching for that same thing .. meaning and human connection. There is something to be said about taking things as a negative in life. Winners are the ones who persevere and take the negatives as an opportunity.  We have to make something beautiful out of something ugly. We all go through junk in life. It makes us better if we let it and while we're going through the struggle it helps to keep what's important in life at the fore front. I am coming to find that i am really gifted at connecting with broken ppl, maybe because there is a certain honesty in that. I want people to feel like they are understood. By the end of our conversation he asked for my number, i took down his.  I don't think i feel comfortable ever spending more time with jimmy and didn't see him in a romantic way, but i think we met for a reason today.  I wish i could really help him , he is beginning a journey himself recovering from a really bad past, before i left i gave him encouragement and i guess the most i can really do is pray that he finds that meaning he is looking for.  We both are looking for the same kind of meaning. We both believe in it.

 Men dream of beautiful women ... of sleeping with beautiful women. But do they ever dream of a woman with inner beauty? In my opinion .. inner beauty can only fulfill the heart and soul. Looks always fade..For many maybe it doesn't matter when you are young and in lust, in love can wait for later? For some people the desire to find inner beauty is in them all along.

Soul Mates

Soul mates are in eachother all along.

A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we’re safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we’re two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we’ve found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life." - Richard Bach

"It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting."
"When someone leaves, it's because someone else is about to arrive." 

"The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times."
— Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)

"Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second of the search is a second's encounter with God and with eternity.

"When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too."
— Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist)  

But love is always new. Regardless of whether we love once, twice, or a dozen times in our life, we always face a brand-new situation. Love can consign us to hell or to paradise, but it always takes us somewhere. We simply have to accept it, because it is what nourishes our existence. If we reject it, we die of hunger, because we lack the courage to stretch out a hand and pluck the fruit from the branches of the tree of life. We have to take love where we find it, even if that means hours, days, weeks of disappointment and sadness.

Don't give in to your fears. If you do, you won't be able to talk to your heart.

"Friends will keep you sane, love could fill your heart, a lover can warm your bed, but lonely is a soul without a mate." ~ David Pratt

"It was the pure Language of the World. It required no explanation, just as the universe needs none as it travels through endless time. What the boy felt at that moment was that he was in the presence of the only woman in his life, and that, with no need for words, she recognized the same thing. He was more certain of it than of anything in the world. He had been told by his parents and grandparents that he must fall in love and really know a person before becoming committed. But maybe people who felt that way had never learned the universal language. Because, when you know that language, it's easy to understand that someone in the world awaits you, whether it's in the middle of the desert or in some great city. And when two such people encounter each other, and their eyes meet, the past and the future become unimportant. There is only that moment, and the incredible certainty that everything under the sun has been written by one hand only. It is the hand that evokes love, and creates a twin soul for every person in the world. Without such love, one's dreams would have no meaning."
— Paulo Coelho (The Alchemist) 

A hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is the tree of life - The Bible

Hands of Rest

"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7

Find My Missing Puzzle Piece

Someone told me i look like a Juliette in this photo. That if i was a character that's who i embody in this. For those of you who know me .. you will know how true this is in reality .. and if you reallllyyyyy really know me .. you'll know the why.

It's not that we need someone to complete us ... it's thats there's someone out there who is a part of us. Someone with a heart and a soul which aligns with ours. In a world of cynicism, very few people trust to believe in such a thing. Some extremely religious people believe it is not good to place our expectations in an imperfect human and that only God can love us the way we need to be loved.  Here is my question to the overly religious ... if  human love is so valueless, then why did God create it? To confuse and torment us? To allure us into reproducing? If God made us with lips to kiss and hearts to love , then how is this so. In it's purest form, love can disregard human shortcomings and has the ability to change and shape us. Can we control how much we love? Just a little. Should we control how much we hope for it? These things can't be  done half way, it must eventually fall on one side of the fence. In a world of uncertainty those who hope for it seem foolish. But how can some help it? It's that damn heart that won't stop beating, that is continually searching for it's missing piece.

Here area a few optimistic views on God, faith, dreams and persistence ...

God cannot do anything beyond our expectation.We must look to God for the blessing and not let it escape. We must beg God to give us grace. If God blesses, then many will be saved.

In order for good to continue to triumph over evil we must not lose faith. - A dreamer i once met.

Don't let the blind track their muddy feet over your dreams. No one can tell you what do dream or how to dream, it's uniquely yours. I'll be keeping my hopes unbroken....

Chastity

I love this song, and i am obsessed with Nadia Ali. Every word of this song is amazing. It reminds me of when i was in Hawaii and was first getting exposed to alot of junk in college life. It was hard for me to remember my small town roots. This song and its lyrics helped. I respect Nadia so much.




Sweet little chaste woman
Why are you holding your breath in an ocean
Where the abyss is infinitely deep
Skiing mountains dangerously steep
Collecting all the dainty roses
Envisioning the one who proposes
I pray your garden's always filled with seeds
That it's not bothered by the stem of the weed
You keep your jewels in a safe
And only one set of keys
Careful to only bestow
The one who gets on his knees
Don't believe in what is wrong, keep your night light on
You're confusing lust for love
Learn it will be gone
Don't believe in what is wrong
Keep your eyes open
You thought love and lust were one...
No! They're so different
Only love remains
Lust is all a game
Once you learn the truth
All will come to you
Chastity, I hope you're listening
The point I'm making is the one you're missing
I'm only telling you so that you don't have to
Make the decisions that I once had to
I'm not a preacher who has practiced
I'm not a teacher but you are still an apprentice
My only fault is that I see this view
You're not guilty, you're beyond your youth
If you're not prepared for this ride
I say you should close your eyes
These fields of no innocence
You couldn't bare this blackened side
I only mean well, I only mean well, I promise
I won't steer you wrong
It's only a simple request