Healing the Wound of Silence

It's been really hard for me to write this blog entry because it took some digging and i had to take down the stone wall i've had up lately. I knew behind it wasn't going to be pretty. How do we stay healthy in all areas of our being? It's hard to keep your feet planted in the middle and balance all levels.  Body Mind and Soul and three are connected .Growing up and for years well into college i struggled to be able to stand up for myself. I couldn't understand my worth nor how to guard it. Only until recent years am i just waking up to my worth, and only now how to protect it. I am grateful for the restaurant industry, it has given me a thicker skin ...  a little more attitude and more outspokeness. While at the same time has not been good for my mental health. I see the games people play with eachother,that acting a certain way intimidates people into respecting them. I try my hardest to not say anything negative about other people. I don't want to do what people have done to me.  I work 5 days a week, and I don't want to allow for an environment where co-workers walk all over me. So when i feel disrespected i stand up for myself. I don't do it in a way that intends to communicate but it creates a boundary, i am so fed up with people and have little patience for their rudeness all i want is my respect. After so many years of silence and not standing up to people it seems to all be coming out at once. I know i need to stop before i become someone who i am not.  I'm workin on being more communicative, but at the same time it would require a shift in my view on people, which won't turn to positive for as long as i am in the industry.

‘You will only be worth anything when you have the courage to tear away the coating of silver covering your eyes in order to be able to see again and love your fellow man.

Trying to forgive humanity after realizing the ugly truth about it. Sometimes i wish i was still sheltered, it was so much easier to be optimistic. There are so many bad people in the world, and at first i didn't want believe it, but now that people have taken pieces from me it's all I believe. When and what will it end with? . Battle to stay myself, to remain. The wound is raw and surfaced. Morning the loss of innocence in my mind, body , and soul that has been stolen by the world. Love and compassion use to be a natural strength for me... but take these things so i don't feel. :(

So Sorry About It all

If I bent like you said was best,
Would that change a thing?
If I spent myself... or what's left
Would you still leave me here?

You're so sorry about it all
Now that it's over..
Should I thank you for that dear?
You're so sorry about it all...
And I hope you'll always be.

I remember you best
Hating all the boys who got to you
And all the things they took
That you'd kept for yourself 

Every car crash, every misstep, every word

You're so sorry about it all
Now that it's over..
Should I thank you for that dear?
You're so sorry about it all...
And I hope you'll always be
Always be.

I remember you best
Hating all the boys who got to you
And all the things they took from you again...
It's all wrong...all wrong

The Good life

 

Gloss Boutique shopping spree!

Zen 5 Sushi

You don't have to be a millionaire to have it all. Today my friend Sarah and I went adventuring around PB and ate good food and spent time enjoying the simple pleasures of life. At the same time, there are some people in life who will never be happy with their lives because they are too busy trying to become rich or  gain power and prestige that they never take time to appreciate the simple beauty in life.  Giving encouragement to others, showing kindness and empathy, drawing meaningful human connections with others are more important than the things we own or how much we can control our lives.... in fact i believe when we are living out our true purposes it has the ability to push us through the hardest of times. Its ok to allow yourself a shopping spree or a good meal every now and then. Experience the pleasures of life  ... we are sensing beings we need to touch, taste and see things! Don't work too hard or live too fast. Just keep your feet on the ground, balance, find your passions .. . then happiness is on your path.

My Journey with God

 

My relationship with God on my journey has been a blend of faith, fear, longing, and love. There is a fine line between fear of God and feeling unworthy or unloved. Alot of christians push unworthiness . But its questioning God's goodness and love, it's something different than humbleness. That mindset puts a block between me and God personally i feel disconnected and lose understanding for his unconditional love. Everyone needs to know they are still loved despite their mistakes. Drawn out guilt and doubt don't come from God. God harps on us to forgive one another  because he always forgives.

Willingness to change and be changed.  Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

Avoiding pitfalls

Avoid getting hurt, avoid getting broke financially. Two places i don't like to be. The warning signs and precautions are there. We choose not to apply common sense, we ignore the red flags which could've bailed us out of getting into a misfortunate situation. Right now i realize how important it is to stop myself from getting into these deadends so i can be more productive toward getting what i want out of life. When you pour into all the wrong kinds of people it drains you . I feel like i don't have any trust or love to give the world. Feeling hardened, feeling not myself :/. Half of  the story is based on my own decisions .. the other is God's plan. How can i reconnect with the one thing i need, God, when i blame him for all the pain and disappointment.  My perception of what love means seems to blur. Struggling with my faith lately :/ .

Its weird how the things that are designed to make us stronger end up making us even more unsure of ourselves. The trials which give us endurance and self-esteem make us feel even more doubtful that life will work itself  out. Sometimes it's way easier to convince the head over the  heart to believe again. The mind can be clear at the same time the heart is sick. The heart isn't always easy to get through to, it can be penetrated by a lie over the open hand of love, it operates completely on its own terms, when it closes up no telling when it will open again. Love hurts and when its over, you wonder if it was ever worth the effort? Sometimes our hearts leave us astray. Does the pro of gaining a lesson really outweigh the pain? Pessimism is so much safer than optimism. You can only get knocked down so many times before you decide not to bother again.