The Pride of Life and the "Valley of Dry Bones"
So Tuesday I had a strange day... I woke up and I couldn't feel God's presence. It scared me. After feeling his presence so strong and pouring out so much in ministry I woke up and couldn't feel his presence. I asked God what needs to leave in me? He answered, " The Pride of Life". Confused ... I asked ..." What do you mean God?" Silence. I couldn't understand what God had meant by this. Suddenly I felt an insane loss of hope. As if my future had been shafted in an instant. All the dreams and all the promises in my heart seemed to blur. I felt like my life was meaningless. Although in my mind I knew the word of God, my heart and soul felt dead, my spirit felt dry the whole day. I started to panic ... my first thought... "God are you Mad at me?" I couldn't feel anything the whole day.. I tried to talk to friends but they didn't understand and I felt so alone. The only way they could help was redirect me to God. I opened up to my bible and I came to the valley of dry bones verses 36,37. In the valley of dry bones the prophet Ezekiel reassures the exiles that the promise of God are secure, that there is a hope for restoration. As the Israelites were away from their true home for so long their "bones felt dry". In the same sense we die a spiritual death as people when we pursue the things of this world. In this life even the righteous go down to their graves just as the wicked. In the valley of dry bones this has both a literal and spiritual context. Kings will rise and fall. In the end the only things that matter are the things we unlock here on earth for God's namesake, that we hold onto the promises of God long enough for the dream to actually come true. Even if we die trying, God's dream over your life is worth it. " Then will I sprinkle clean water upon you, and ye shall be clean from all your filthiness and from all . A new heart also will I give you and a new spirit will I put within you and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:25-26.
Throughout this I realize God was correcting me, but because he loves me enough to not let me stay ignorant to my nature. I think the most discouraging part was how although God was the only one who could reveal this to me not many people left the door open for the fact that God may be doing something big, somehow to others I was the problem .I felt like job. I felt angry that the world was trying to help me to understand what only God knew. I felt ashamed that I showed weakness, I felt ashamed that I didn't have the answers, I felt as though other believers looked at me like I was sinful because for one day I felt like God didn't love me. When really he removed his spirit to teach me something, reverence for God. God was showing me what spiritual pride looks like. It's thinking you have all the answers as a Christian when really God could be doing something mysterious, beautiful, and deep.
Finally after some prayers with some really amazing brothers who let me rant on how scared and confused and lost I felt, I was redirected to God's heart. In seeking his heart suddenly my heart opened up and I started to scream I love God so muchhh I love dad. And I love the girls in my ministry. I felt so much love. I felt relieved and it was not because of my future, but it was because of the right now, the things of God.
The next day I met with a mentor and she put things into perspective for me. I realized that I had forgotten what it felt like to be spiritually dead and to have a loss of hope. I realized that for a point in time I had got so caught up in the things that were in the earthly realms, that I loss sight of the things in heavenly realms. One conclusion that I can draw from this experience is .. God doesn't use people who are perfect, he uses people who revere him. Second, Christians who don't believe in the sovereignty of God are some of the most miserable Christians you will ever meet. I stopped being one of those people starting today. My advice... don't work so hard toward moral perfection that you lose who you are, that you lose the freedom and joy and Christ promises us everyday despite circumstance, despite whether or not our dreams come true. As we become who are in Christ it's not about earthly realms, it's about compassion and it's about bringing the truth to the world to be about our father's business. When talking about how change brings conflict Jesus said, " Think not that I am to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword. " Matthew 10:34. And we need to LET GO of earth, "He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it." Matthew 10:39. If you truly place your stock in heavenly things then nothing can ever really be taken from you, then then you can't fully be devastated beyond repair. Earthly things are just a perk, and if they mean that much to you, they will eventually corrupt your heart. The reward is who you become in life and the honor is the harvest of souls in reverence of the kind King we serve. Today I choose God.
