Window of Pain

     Window of Pain

          When a person's life is filled with so much pain, it inhibits their ability to relate and validate the pain of others . We draw upon a metaphor of  the  opaque window . The darkness in the window represents unresolved pain that clouds our view of others and the outside world.  It  becomes a layer of ignorance which clouds our eyes. We live in a world of insensitivity, and i never understood it.  We open ourselves up to the wrong people, someone who has not dealt with their own pain in life will not be empathetic, empathy requires connecting with our own pain. There are also those who won't empathize with anyone else unless it's a recognizable tragedy ( such as death) or equal to their own life tragedy. You can't compare scars, that not what they're there for. They are simply a mark of  human frailty and it looks different for every person.  Unfortunately, because of the window of pain people carry around, when someone tries to open up, when someone tries to heal, it becomes something which is labeled as weak. Like touching a hot stove when we reach for help from others, we get burnt. The people who carry the window of pain, can come in the form of our very own counselor, religious leader, the family member , the friend, the co-worker, people we trust and choose to be real  with. We give up and label ourselves as weak.  "These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men. - Isaiah 29:13.  I always thought the problem was just in me, but now i realize it is really in humanity.  The "window of pain" people adopt because of fear or too much pride to go to the weak place where pain exists.  


No one heals without compassion. People become hardened without it. We perpetuate each others brokenness by shutting off inside. Emotions and thoughts reflect something within the heart and soul that have a need unmet. But the more we are told that what we go through doesn't matter, the worse it becomes.  Moving forward, change, and growth does not occur from our trials and experiences until we can reconcile them.  If we try to stuff things down by neglect our thoughts and feelings, however ugly they may be, we can't let them guide us toward understanding. To move on from experiences which cause us burden which were difficult we derive meaning , lessons, and insight into our own nature. Someone gave me this metaphor. Jesus spoke in parables and metaphors so that people would understand the message he was trying to send people. In the bible it says but these people do not know me .. their hearts are hardened, they are far away. God exists within the heart hardened their hearts--so that their eyes cannot see, and their hearts cannot understand, and they cannot turn to me and have me heal them. - John 14:20. In the process leaving those in search of healing and human connection hardened. Even those who know God turn away. But God is not people, he is above the ways of people.


  God is the surgeon, have no fear you are in safe hands. God says it is okay to grieve, to struggle. In the land of pain. a lack of reliance and surrender make it difficult to stay.Without him traveling to this place of pain  looks desolate, cloudy and hopeless. Why would anyone want to go there? It's  doesn't look appealing to me either.  Stay a little longer in this broken and empty land and you will, not only will you hear Gods voice , but  not only the voice of God but the voice of people who are close to God.

" Strippin’ away the layers and reveal your soul
Got to give yourself up and then you become whole
You're a slave to yourself and you don't even know
You want to live the fast life but your brain moves slow
If you're trying to stay high, bound to stay low
You want God but you can't deflate your ego"  - Matisyahu

The cost of unresolved pain takes shape in our culture.  The posterior of humanity is so messed up.  So far from our true nature. things like love, empathy forgiveness, communication have become an ability that not everyone has, rather than something we just DO.  We, a tangled humanity that is off balanced and knotted up need grace to get there, to find our way back to the way we really need to be living. A When Jesus walked the earth  he simply had this ability, because he did not hide, he was not insecure.  We are addicted and constantly in need of things to consume or  distract us. When we seek God out he reveals himself in a big way.


To the people. who hide behind there logic. You can do very little in life. You can't reach a broken world. A world of people in need however big or small their pain. So stop hiding behind your own window of pain and think that you shouldn't be compassionate toward others because the pain you've felt in your own life . The reason you cannot see anyone else's pain is because you are so filled with your own. Deal with your crap and let it surface.  Throw your pride out the window and the walls that separate, judge, or deny the  human condition .

Often times our understanding of ourselves is so limited. We have a hunch  about an experience of relationship in our life that has caused us burden but we can't let it go, or we can't get out of patterns of bad habits. We carry around weight. God sees the reasons we can't let it go, and to heal us they way no other person can . It requires us one thing, complete surrender to God

Jesus was a man of truth, who saw the hypocrisy within people . It is not the stoic, proud, strong-minded, leader,counselor, advice giver, authority figure ... whoever, that heals, but the sensitive wounded healer.  In the way that Jesus came to earth and experienced the pain of humanity, he did this so he could council us after his death, because he had empathy for the human condition by coming to earth. Through the holy spirit God heals and counsels as a wounded healer. God has a person hood, part of the most beautiful side of God is his intense desire to heal us.. When we sit as his feet and humble ourselves and say .. i can't and i need you.... that is when God begins to do work. We experience through God who understood human emotion and the human condition, came to the earth because he recognized our need. Even in writing this entry i have convinced my own self that this is the right way to approach life, with compassion and awareness of the inner life as mode of healing and moving forward, the world makes us second guess ourselves.

Against the world that shuts you out i hope you find God in a deep way. Every person has been through something. May God fill your unresolved wounds, empty your hands, and fill your heart once again.

Normal is Beautiful

  Recently,  i was my own guniea pig for a class project in my nutrition class. For two weeks I was on the atkins, and although i stuck to it , the diet honestly made me crazy.  Pre- diet, I really felt fine about my relationship with food, weight and everything.  Biochemically our body sends out stress hormones in times of hunger or starvation. Stress makes us mental, it makes us want to control everything around us! All of a sudden once on a diet i had obsessive thoughts about food and  felt failure when i didn't comply 100% with the diet rules. It brought on a strange fear of consuming and a desire to lose more and more weight, even though i was already was losing. What started out to be a harmless experiment for school triggered a slew of bad past habits and mindsets.  I can see how dieting triggers eating disorders. Without dieting my body image is actually more positive. Off the diet now, and back to a good relationship with food and body image. :)


Normal is beautiful. Today while i spent some time by myself getting things together for my next photoshoot I started to think about body-image. In the fashion world they put these bony skinny women on a pedistal. But what about the woman with curves? Why not put normal on a pedistal. If other women  see more real-life sized women in magazines, then they wouldn't feel so horrible about their normal size.  I appreciate the photographers out there who work with models who are not rail thin. No one can tell me I can't model, that i'm not thin enough. It's honestly disgusting if someone did tell me that, it's a warped and shallow mindset. I'd have to shave off half a hip to be as tiny as them runway models. This is the way i was created. I deserve to be at peace with that.  I don't need to torture myself to be beautiful. Many women are self-abusive , trying to meet these societal standards of thin. While inquiring a dietitian , people want to know, how much to eat, what to eat.  The answer is this .. just love yourself and your body , eat when your hungry, stop when your full. Feed yourself things that will give health... mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually. Balancing and nourishing all these levels ..that's whats called normal, that's what's called beautiful.

The Gift of Speech

Last night the power was out in all of SD county. I was planning to go to  a church event which was almost an hour away with a friend. I felt defeated in my efforts, we canceled the trip because the outage created so much traffic. It ended up still being a great night. I went to a bible study with my friend, there was music and everyone was sharing stories. There was a guy in a wheelchair who had a speech problem. When he would speak it looked like he had to exert so much energy to muster even a sentence.His message was so sweet, simple, and honest. He was talking about how in conversations it's on us to communicate or not communicate, it's a choice that can act like a chain. He said he gets scared sometimes to bring up issues, because the conversation could not go in favor if he does. Those relationships that he cherishs he hesitates more to communicate. Although the man in the wheelchair had a serious speech problem, he still sees the importance of it, he still struggles to speak up too and realizes how fear is paralyzing. The choice to communicate should not be taken for granted, we should use it, because some people in the world do not even have the gift of speech.

Being assertive to the negative- Sarcasm or Sincerety?

This is  a follow up on my entry to healing the Wounds of Silence, i have new insights.  I wrote about my experience in the restaurant industry and how people can be so negative a rude. What i have found is there is a better approach than what i have been practicing. That how i choose to be can only perpetuate the environment i am in. When we don't communicate effectively, it puts barriers between people. Lets compare the two approaches

A sincere approach entails assertiveness. Assertiveness is about speaking up for yourself with respect both for yourself and the person with whom you are speaking. How to be properly assertive takes practice and is an art.  Every moment or opportunity to practice being assertive adds more confidence to your willingness to employ assertiveness the next you need it. The truth is even managers, parents and authority figures need to be told in an assertive fashion when they are out of line , no one no matter what position they are in should treat anyone else less than human. Verbal abuse can even legally be reported as a form of harassment today, if it hinders a worker's job performance. You can't continue to do nothing. You must be persistent until you get results. People won't change if you never call things to their attention, confrontation is necessary in life. You can't keep running or hope that things will go away on their own. You have the power of your voice. A good example of assertive communication would be empathizing, non-condemning, and direct addressment of an issue.

An easy indirect way to cut people off and down is sarcasm. I randomly found  Linda Tillman's blog, a clinical pyschologist who writes about communication assertiveness, and sarcasm ... here is what she said about sarcasm:  

"In many families, sarcasm is a style of humor tolerated by the family members to the point that it feels harmless and “normal.”  If this were true in your family of origin, you may resort to sarcasm, thinking that it is just a way to be funny.I tell my students that sarcasm is disrespectful and always involves a zinger against the other person.  They argue with me that sarcasm is harmless; that it’s expected in their family of origin; and that I must be mistaken.  I challenge them to give me any example of sarcasm that isn’t hurtful. 

They never can.  

Sarcasm can push others away and is a way of controlling others . It controls the amount of connection you allow when you distance through sarcasm. If sarcasm is about poking another person using humor as the jab, bullying takes this to another level, shaming and putting another person down in the worst way one can.  Bullying involves controlling another person through the use of put-downs."

Falling underneath the same category  is aggressive communication.  When we lash out, raise our voice, or  indirectly adress issues. We only set up more boundaries between others, our situation is never helped.

So forgive. Everyone is human. No one really wants a hostile environment, people just want to be respected. Take some time out to muster up the energy and courage it takes to be humble.  Just because it is popular to be sarcastic or aggressively assert ourselves does not make it good or healthy. It takes time to get it right and assert ourselves properly. BUT It's always better to say something is better than saying nothing. Fortunately for me i am not a naturally sarcastic or extremely witty person so it really forces me to take a second look at my approach towards a person's negativity.

The more you assert yourself, the more confidence you have. :) Remember that when people are insensitive or rude, part of it is learned, and they are most likely doing it unconsciously. You can stand up and still be respectful to others and yourself at the same time.

There a really big world out there, You've got the chance change it.

This is the basis for my next shoot. To use the power of photography to give a voice to the silent, and speak into the lies that women believe about themselves. Yay for women with real figures! Whitney represents!