River of God

God's grace I'd like a river... I cannot stop it and for the most part not cause it.  Throughout the bible it talks about how those who are kind and forgiving the lord is a friend to and has grace on them... So that might  be the only causing part. When it comes to grace ... The sinner who returns home seems to understand the concept of grace better than the pious christian who only refrains from sin out of fear from the loss of Gods love and acceptance. How does this happen? And to be perfectly honest for most of my life I have rejected the idea of grace.  Before god restored me from my brokenness it was easier for me to just believe that I was  unworthy of god and and worthless. I wait witdesperately in hopes that I could adopt grace into my heart without resistance, that for all past and present sins, mistakes grace would overcome. Like a missing puzzle piece in my heart i cannot really love without grace. If i am only holiness then i love with a harshness but my life has been marked by this. No one has ever taught me about grace, it is a stranger to me.I pray that one day the thought of letting a holy holy god love me in my imperfection wont make me nauseous. I grieve grace because it is too beautiful, it is overly just. But it is the only way to beat satan and all the evil we commit in our moments of weakness. I acknowledge in my mind that grace means permission to be human. But i loathe those who are apathetic to the God ive fallen in love with. I lack the ability to understand just how much god can see the state of our hearts, and the sorrow we have when we hurt the one we love the most. A sure fire way to know how close you are to god is when you hate sin as much as go does. Please god help me to receive you and all the good things you are trying to add to me. It's really hard to love yourself when you haven't had a good example of what that looks like, but I trust  that God is more sovereign over all the matters of man.