Heavy

I really need counsel right now. Ive been on the go the past few days, but I can't avoid this nauseous feeling in my heart, in my gut. I wanted to pretend this week like i'm okay. But the truth is I'm not ok, I really wish I could feel OK right now. Its been exhausting trying to keep my spirits up. I tried to help someone who was lost, but in the end I think it ended up  hurting them more, and now I feel even more lost then I've ever been. I call into question all that I am and my competency to help the world. I have a heart for world issues and the struggles of women, but is it a log that I would break my back trying to carry? My life collided with this girl who let me see that the world is really suffering in a big way, it became real to me. I tried to share with her about God, but she asked me where is God? "Where is God in this situation Andrea"?".   I was silent, because I don't have an exact answer. I felt as though don't deserve the life I have, I realize the card I've been dealt in life isn't perfect, but there are some bad cards out there. Some  people in this world were born into dark situations. I believe that God always gives us a way out of bad situations if we become open to our possibilities. In the least, my heart is thankful for organizations in the world which are dedicated to helping others I need. But I am not equipped to carry another person's life on my shoulders, while risking my own.


I can't see or feel God in this, what does he say about all this? I want to know, I want to hear his voice, but I can't.

Is it wrong to give too much? Am I weak for being this way? Or does this make us human? I can become hard like everyone else. But I fear what that looks like.
These questions leave me feeling heavy, cause I want answers. 

 I've been learning about distinction.  My street smarts in this life.
This week I learned a really important lesson, that my heart can be a danger to me. This sorta goes against all i've ever believed, that living life through the heart is a good thing. But I've seen that fail me, and now after the events of this week, i've seen it fail me  again, but this time in a threatening way. I'm not sure how the events of this week happened, was it meant to happen to wake me up, or was it just me making a dumb decision? I've learned that when we don't guard our hearts, this world can steal our joy, and harm us. When our heart leads, our minds can miss some important red flags, I'm beginning to think that my mind is the gatekeeper of my heart, also making it the gatekeeper of my health. Be careful who you let into your heart, what beliefs you adopt.  I use to think that love was black and white, but now i'm not sure, in the context of this messy life, there is a time and place for it.