This is a follow up on my entry to healing the Wounds of Silence, i have new insights. I wrote about my experience in the restaurant industry and how people can be so negative a rude. What i have found is there is a better approach than what i have been practicing. That how i choose to be can only perpetuate the environment i am in. When we don't communicate effectively, it puts barriers between people. Lets compare the two approaches
A sincere approach entails assertiveness. Assertiveness is about speaking up for yourself with respect both for yourself and the person with whom you are speaking.
How to be properly assertive takes practice and is an art. Every moment or opportunity to practice being assertive adds more confidence to your willingness to employ assertiveness the next you need it. The truth is even managers, parents and authority figures need to be told in an assertive fashion when they are out of line , no one no matter what position they are in should treat anyone else less than human. Verbal abuse can even legally be reported as a form of harassment today, if it hinders a worker's job performance. You can't continue to do nothing. You must be persistent until you get results. People won't change if you never call things to their attention, confrontation is necessary in life. You can't keep running or hope that things will go away on their own. You have the power of your voice. A good example of assertive communication would be empathizing, non-condemning, and direct addressment of an issue.
An easy indirect way to cut people off and down is sarcasm. I randomly found Linda Tillman's blog, a clinical pyschologist who writes about communication assertiveness, and sarcasm ... here is what she said about sarcasm:
"In many families, sarcasm is a style of humor tolerated by the family members to the point that it feels harmless and “normal.” If this were true in your family of origin, you may resort to sarcasm, thinking that it is just a way to be funny.I tell my students that sarcasm is disrespectful and always involves a zinger against the other person. They argue with me that sarcasm is harmless; that it’s expected in their family of origin; and that I must be mistaken. I challenge them to give me any example of sarcasm that isn’t hurtful.
They never can.
Sarcasm can push others away and is a way of controlling others . It controls the amount of connection you allow when you distance through sarcasm. If sarcasm is about poking another person using humor as the jab, bullying takes this to another level, shaming and putting another person down in the worst way one can. Bullying involves controlling another person through the use of put-downs."
Falling underneath the same category is aggressive communication. When we lash out, raise our voice, or indirectly adress issues. We only set up more boundaries between others, our situation is never helped.
So forgive. Everyone is human. No one really wants a hostile environment, people just want to be respected. Take some time out to muster up the energy and courage it takes to be humble. Just because it is popular to be sarcastic or aggressively assert ourselves does not make it good or healthy. It takes time to get it right and assert ourselves properly. BUT It's always better to say something is better than saying nothing. Fortunately for me i am not a naturally sarcastic or extremely witty person so it really forces me to take a second look at my approach towards a person's negativity.
The more you assert yourself, the more confidence you have. :) Remember that when people are insensitive or rude, part of it is learned, and they are most likely doing it unconsciously. You can stand up and still be respectful to others and yourself at the same time.
