Being assertive to the negative- Sarcasm or Sincerety?

This is  a follow up on my entry to healing the Wounds of Silence, i have new insights.  I wrote about my experience in the restaurant industry and how people can be so negative a rude. What i have found is there is a better approach than what i have been practicing. That how i choose to be can only perpetuate the environment i am in. When we don't communicate effectively, it puts barriers between people. Lets compare the two approaches

A sincere approach entails assertiveness. Assertiveness is about speaking up for yourself with respect both for yourself and the person with whom you are speaking. How to be properly assertive takes practice and is an art.  Every moment or opportunity to practice being assertive adds more confidence to your willingness to employ assertiveness the next you need it. The truth is even managers, parents and authority figures need to be told in an assertive fashion when they are out of line , no one no matter what position they are in should treat anyone else less than human. Verbal abuse can even legally be reported as a form of harassment today, if it hinders a worker's job performance. You can't continue to do nothing. You must be persistent until you get results. People won't change if you never call things to their attention, confrontation is necessary in life. You can't keep running or hope that things will go away on their own. You have the power of your voice. A good example of assertive communication would be empathizing, non-condemning, and direct addressment of an issue.

An easy indirect way to cut people off and down is sarcasm. I randomly found  Linda Tillman's blog, a clinical pyschologist who writes about communication assertiveness, and sarcasm ... here is what she said about sarcasm:  

"In many families, sarcasm is a style of humor tolerated by the family members to the point that it feels harmless and “normal.”  If this were true in your family of origin, you may resort to sarcasm, thinking that it is just a way to be funny.I tell my students that sarcasm is disrespectful and always involves a zinger against the other person.  They argue with me that sarcasm is harmless; that it’s expected in their family of origin; and that I must be mistaken.  I challenge them to give me any example of sarcasm that isn’t hurtful. 

They never can.  

Sarcasm can push others away and is a way of controlling others . It controls the amount of connection you allow when you distance through sarcasm. If sarcasm is about poking another person using humor as the jab, bullying takes this to another level, shaming and putting another person down in the worst way one can.  Bullying involves controlling another person through the use of put-downs."

Falling underneath the same category  is aggressive communication.  When we lash out, raise our voice, or  indirectly adress issues. We only set up more boundaries between others, our situation is never helped.

So forgive. Everyone is human. No one really wants a hostile environment, people just want to be respected. Take some time out to muster up the energy and courage it takes to be humble.  Just because it is popular to be sarcastic or aggressively assert ourselves does not make it good or healthy. It takes time to get it right and assert ourselves properly. BUT It's always better to say something is better than saying nothing. Fortunately for me i am not a naturally sarcastic or extremely witty person so it really forces me to take a second look at my approach towards a person's negativity.

The more you assert yourself, the more confidence you have. :) Remember that when people are insensitive or rude, part of it is learned, and they are most likely doing it unconsciously. You can stand up and still be respectful to others and yourself at the same time.

Healing the Wound of Silence

It's been really hard for me to write this blog entry because it took some digging and i had to take down the stone wall i've had up lately. I knew behind it wasn't going to be pretty. How do we stay healthy in all areas of our being? It's hard to keep your feet planted in the middle and balance all levels.  Body Mind and Soul and three are connected .Growing up and for years well into college i struggled to be able to stand up for myself. I couldn't understand my worth nor how to guard it. Only until recent years am i just waking up to my worth, and only now how to protect it. I am grateful for the restaurant industry, it has given me a thicker skin ...  a little more attitude and more outspokeness. While at the same time has not been good for my mental health. I see the games people play with eachother,that acting a certain way intimidates people into respecting them. I try my hardest to not say anything negative about other people. I don't want to do what people have done to me.  I work 5 days a week, and I don't want to allow for an environment where co-workers walk all over me. So when i feel disrespected i stand up for myself. I don't do it in a way that intends to communicate but it creates a boundary, i am so fed up with people and have little patience for their rudeness all i want is my respect. After so many years of silence and not standing up to people it seems to all be coming out at once. I know i need to stop before i become someone who i am not.  I'm workin on being more communicative, but at the same time it would require a shift in my view on people, which won't turn to positive for as long as i am in the industry.

‘You will only be worth anything when you have the courage to tear away the coating of silver covering your eyes in order to be able to see again and love your fellow man.

Trying to forgive humanity after realizing the ugly truth about it. Sometimes i wish i was still sheltered, it was so much easier to be optimistic. There are so many bad people in the world, and at first i didn't want believe it, but now that people have taken pieces from me it's all I believe. When and what will it end with? . Battle to stay myself, to remain. The wound is raw and surfaced. Morning the loss of innocence in my mind, body , and soul that has been stolen by the world. Love and compassion use to be a natural strength for me... but take these things so i don't feel. :(

Avoiding pitfalls

Avoid getting hurt, avoid getting broke financially. Two places i don't like to be. The warning signs and precautions are there. We choose not to apply common sense, we ignore the red flags which could've bailed us out of getting into a misfortunate situation. Right now i realize how important it is to stop myself from getting into these deadends so i can be more productive toward getting what i want out of life. When you pour into all the wrong kinds of people it drains you . I feel like i don't have any trust or love to give the world. Feeling hardened, feeling not myself :/. Half of  the story is based on my own decisions .. the other is God's plan. How can i reconnect with the one thing i need, God, when i blame him for all the pain and disappointment.  My perception of what love means seems to blur. Struggling with my faith lately :/ .

Its weird how the things that are designed to make us stronger end up making us even more unsure of ourselves. The trials which give us endurance and self-esteem make us feel even more doubtful that life will work itself  out. Sometimes it's way easier to convince the head over the  heart to believe again. The mind can be clear at the same time the heart is sick. The heart isn't always easy to get through to, it can be penetrated by a lie over the open hand of love, it operates completely on its own terms, when it closes up no telling when it will open again. Love hurts and when its over, you wonder if it was ever worth the effort? Sometimes our hearts leave us astray. Does the pro of gaining a lesson really outweigh the pain? Pessimism is so much safer than optimism. You can only get knocked down so many times before you decide not to bother again.